We got the call! Clara born 10-13-12!!

OH THE JOY!!

11 Life Books Left out of 25

Been a long time since i updated last. For the first several months i didn't want any updates from Little Angels Adoptions but the last few months greg & i realized we should call in and see what's going on. Turns out, those periodic calls helped us to feel hopeful. The last information i received was that we had 11 books left out of 25. That made me hopeful that our lifebooks are going out to birthmother's and being viewed. I was told that a book went out to a birthmother in Santa Cruz which is very exciting as it would be great not to travel for this adoption!! So she gets our book and other ones and then chooses. She's due in January. I really believe with all my heart that the stork will bring the right baby. I think that's why it doesn't sadden me to not have been picked yet..it's not our baby then and it should be placed with the family she's supposed to go to. In the meantime i've experienced a bit of freedom having both boys in school everyday til 2:10. I've re-grouped and re-energized and i'm enjoying this free time stage i'm in before it disappears again. I love helping in both thomas's and andrey's classrooms but i'm not an over achiever which i'm so thankful for! I got in for an hour or so or bring work home to do. I still find the morning goes quick even with several hours of free time. It's just sooo quiet and i haven't had that for so long. The boys are sooo cute in their uniforms and they love school. Andrey has asked when the baby is coming and that kind of just makes me want to cry. Coming to terms with the end of my fertility has been an on-going process but focusing on that i can have an infant daughter even though, its so hopeful. I continue to struggle with knowing that some woman's heartbreak (i'm assuming she's heartbroken) is going to be one of my greatest joys. Hard to get my head around that...maybe i can think of it another way so it's not depressing. I feel like baby Clara is getting closer, i'm feeling hopeful and excited. I've gained a bunch of weight from the breast feeding hormones and my feet hurt so yah, i'd say i'm about 9 months pretend pregnant!

Roses & Violets

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
my sweet girl, where are you?

Waiting Waiting Waiting

ah, the waiting is getting to me a bit. I have days where i don't think about our daughter to be and then there are those days that it seems like it's never going to happen. I try to stay away from the what if's...hard to do sometimes. I look at my boys and i'm so pleased that they will have a sister...what a joy it is to have children running around even if it's so tiring as a parent. I'm last of 5 kids - i have 2 older brothers and 2 older sisters and i loved my childhood. I write a great deal about this in my first blog when we were adopting from an orphanage...my dream was to give a child the kind of childhood i had and we succeeded i'm sure. Giving the kids what i had is what keeps me going when i get tired. Family life really is a beautiful thing...i find it most fulfilling..i just need to keep believing it will happen and it will, it will, it will, it will - i keep telling myself!! :)

3 growing families!

This last week has been so exciting for our Little Angel Adoption family...3 families met and brought home their baby daughters...oh, it was so beautiful to see their pictures on Facebook...it brings such hope to all of us waiting and a bit of bitter sweetness to those that have been waiting quite awhile for their turn.

I'm hanging on to the hope that there's a baby girl for us...the process of inducing lactation has been hard on my body & mind as i'm taking enough progesterone to make my body think i'm pregnant so my body looks like i'm pregnant...i've gained weight - even my arms are fatty now..which i'm not totally horrified by because when i do start breastfeeding the weight will come off but sometimes i think oh my, there better be a baby at the end of all of this! I am experiencing lots of mood swings which i hate...having 2 boys to take care of requires that i have all my faculties about me. So basically, feeling crazy like when pregnant but i have no baby in me. This is where strength and perserverance comes in handy...just keeping my eye on the goal and having educated faith that this is all for a reason.

During the Wait

Waiting is a part of adoption...it's a chance to practice one's endurance and one's faith. You don't know what child is out there waiting, but you have faith that there is one. You don't know when you'll get the call, but you know there will be a call. While waiting and preparing my body for breastfeeding, i've been busy with Thomas who got Mono. Doctors said it was tonsilitis but when he wasn't getting better we went to the hospital for some blood work because his spleen was swollen and it was a mono diagnosis. Me Greg and Thomas and Andrey had come up with a list of fun summer daily trips we were going to make. I had a plan so we'd have a summer filled with joyful experiences. Well, a huge lesson - life often times has other plans and all at once i was housebound with a sick and often times combative child. He's better but spleen still swollen...dr. said no physical activity for 4 weeks...a spleen can rupture and one can die from that. Talk about anxiety!! I've been hovering around him trying to protect him from possible falls or punches from his brother. Ah, this was not my summer plan but i'm adjusting and enduring. I have a nice babysitter for andrey to take him out once or twice a week so he's not bored and his Uncle Jon has been running him around too. I'm enduring and being faithful that these circumstances will change soon. School starts in the middle of august and life will change again. I think once you accept that life is full of suprises (some wonderful some not) that life is so much easier to live because you expect change. That's what i want to teach my boys. So while i'm waiting, i'm preparing for our 3rd child...the milk is there, the crib is up, the girl clothes are washed and hung...just waiting for that very important call that someone has chosen us.

A good place

...i've been thinking lately what a great place i'm in. I have 2 children that i'm enjoying each day and a hubby who loves being with us. We are going to add to our family which excites me so much..it's time for a change...lets shake it up a bit and add another member of the family!

I'm very excited to be waiting for "the call" - i think about when and how it will happen..will we have to travel far or near, will greg and i both go or just me..i wonder who the child and mom will be and what this new experience will teach me. Good thing i like surprises!

Thomas starts 1st grade in the fall and Andrey will start Kindergarten. These little guys have brought me so much joy and at the same time, they've really made me doubt my mothering skills. I have had my patience and sanity really put to the test. Hard to explain what 2 little active boys who are only 14 months apart in age can do to a mom. I find that i live each day in a state of different emotions...the morning can go smooth, the afternoon could stink. The car ride to the park can be peaceful...the car ride home could cause me angst to where i must pull over. I was watching the Duggards this morning on TLC and i was thinking that they must have super easy kids because having just 2 really challenges me. At times, i've just started crying from the stress..not knowing what to do in a situation. It doesn't make me not want to have more kids, it just makes me wonder how to make the hard times better. Andrey and i have our ups and downs with feeling close to one another...it seems like we get really close when we have lots of time together and then greg comes home and he forgets me...really, this is not normal - seems he's not capable of feeling close to us at the same time. Anyway..reading to Andrey, playing with him, and taking care of him when he is sick, helps with the bonding. Andrey had a stomach bug for the 1st time and he vomited and it scared the heck out of him. I went into mothering action and helped him for half of the night until he finally fell asleep.. the next morning he said "mommy made me feel better" which is probably the best compliment you can give me.