It still hurts...

i guess there's always going to be a raw place in my heart that hurts for the child i can never carry. I accept that and have been so excited anticipating our next adoption. I walk thru life and feel good but then once in awhile someone will say something or i'll see something and i feel a shot to the heart and i remember, my body can't hold a pregnancy anymore and i let myself have about a 5 second pity party and then i move on. Someday it'll make sense and i'll have the answers. Like i always say, it's because we had thomas that i'm able to not have a complete emotional fit over the miscarriages. I was able to experience one beautiful pregnancy - well compulsive barphing not beautiful - but the end result was a miracle. I thank God i got to experience it once - Greg and I are able to see our eyes, and nose and traits in Thomas and for whatever reason, that feels good. I know there are couples who never get to experience even once and for that, i'm sad...i don't know why these things are the way they are. Seems like mom's who are drug users are able to crank a lot out and the women who are eating carrots and taking their vitamins can't. Well i know that's not true but it often times feels unfair. Then i remember that suffering is a part of life and the only way to make sense of things is to be grateful for what we have because we're only in this life temporarily. I try to rejoice with others and i do feel other's sadness in tough times. Maybe when we meet our little girl, whenever she's going to show up in our life, i will understand the painful journey to this point. I think though, death changes a person and now that i've had 3 little lives die - i realize life is so precious...we all have a heart beat that can stop at anytime...well i hope heaven is a real great place - which i know it'll be but for now, we are humans, struggling.