Coffee!

This is Greg's face after i suggested we have some garage sale fundraisers (with andrey we had 9!)
thank you to all of those who bought coffee from the Dini coffee shop! We receive a check every month with the proceeds from our sales...we just got the first check and deposited into our account so we can pay some fees. Thank you! I know there's so many folks fundraising for so many deserving causes...if you know of anyone that loves coffee and wants to try something new feel free to share blog or coffee shop with them! thanks...we will continue to sell coffee right now and our main fundraiser because just the sound of the word fundraiser makes me a little sick - only cause of andrey's adoption where it was like a part time job!

An answer maybe

i was writing to my neighbor jenny who has recently moved out of our neighborhood. She was asking me if there was a certain baby coming or was i just speaking in general. While i was thinking that there is no specific baby, i am anticipating our new dini baby soon...it dawned on me that this baby girl who is going to be in our family is the reason why we may have not been able to have more biological children. Now you have to be sort of a believing, spiritual person to get that because i do not believe that everything we see with the human eye is all there is. There's so much more and every once in awhile we get a reminder of it...one of the books i was reading called it the thin veil between heaven and earth.. I'm hoping that when this baby girl is in my arms, God speaks to me and tells me that my grief was not for nothing and that we were supposed to adopt this baby girl. I hope more sense will come out of it. I have a hard time believing that my eggs just aged out when all around me are women who are having babies from 36-40! My mom had me at 40 years old!

This & That

well i'm happy to report that the preparation of my "girls" is working...the breasts (sorry dad!) are supposed to go up 1 cup size and become sore and heavy. Yes - well that's happened and i feel good about that. The only thing that scares me is the warnings for the YAZ pill that i have to take for the progesterone - it's so scary - heart attack, stroke, etc.....i just have to be on it for a month or two longer because that's when i'm hoping we'll matched with a baby.

On a frustrating note...i'm suffering from a bad bout of sinusitis still i think...i'm having the sweats at night and it's so horrible! I keep thinking that maybe i'm having bad side effects from the meds i'm taking but it seems that my sinus's are still giving me trouble. Anyway...boring stuff but i just want to be 100% well so i can prepare for this baby. It's an exciting time around our neighborhood - new babies for 3 of us...(I included myself on that)...some sad stuff on our block too but that's how life is...there's happy and sad at the same time.

Going to church now with the monkeys. I love those boys and they exhaust me at the same time..i walked out of the house the other day and andrey had gotten the ladder and had climbed up on it to try and get something out of the tree that he threw up there on purpose. I try to give the little siberian tiger some freedom but he'll end up on the roof it seems!

It still hurts...

i guess there's always going to be a raw place in my heart that hurts for the child i can never carry. I accept that and have been so excited anticipating our next adoption. I walk thru life and feel good but then once in awhile someone will say something or i'll see something and i feel a shot to the heart and i remember, my body can't hold a pregnancy anymore and i let myself have about a 5 second pity party and then i move on. Someday it'll make sense and i'll have the answers. Like i always say, it's because we had thomas that i'm able to not have a complete emotional fit over the miscarriages. I was able to experience one beautiful pregnancy - well compulsive barphing not beautiful - but the end result was a miracle. I thank God i got to experience it once - Greg and I are able to see our eyes, and nose and traits in Thomas and for whatever reason, that feels good. I know there are couples who never get to experience even once and for that, i'm sad...i don't know why these things are the way they are. Seems like mom's who are drug users are able to crank a lot out and the women who are eating carrots and taking their vitamins can't. Well i know that's not true but it often times feels unfair. Then i remember that suffering is a part of life and the only way to make sense of things is to be grateful for what we have because we're only in this life temporarily. I try to rejoice with others and i do feel other's sadness in tough times. Maybe when we meet our little girl, whenever she's going to show up in our life, i will understand the painful journey to this point. I think though, death changes a person and now that i've had 3 little lives die - i realize life is so precious...we all have a heart beat that can stop at anytime...well i hope heaven is a real great place - which i know it'll be but for now, we are humans, struggling.